My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
