My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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