Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
