She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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