new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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