So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
