Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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