he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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