he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
