John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
