Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
