We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
