can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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