He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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