fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
