chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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