In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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