you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
