this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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