If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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