I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
one two three fourrrrnication!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
