She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
