he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
