Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
