youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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