i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
