lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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