Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
