Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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