I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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