He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
