Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
