i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
