I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
