My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
