in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
