Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
