At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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