@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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