Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
