ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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