I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
