Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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