Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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