she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
