Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
