life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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