Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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