i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
