If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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