I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
