My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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