I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
