you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
