you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
