there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
