He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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